an eclipse

Somehow, we are nearly done with February. I can’t say this month has emotionally felt any better than January, but it is certainly better than December and November. I know at some point I might “feel” different. It is unclear when that will be. I am trying hard to clear my energy and let go of things so I can make space for new energy. But between the constant dreams and constant pit in my chest, and the noises I hear, I don’t know. It’s not anxiety. I don’t know what it is that I am experiencing. Perhaps grief? It feels different than grief I have known before.

That’s not what I was going to write about. I bought tickets to go to Monterrey next month for a wedding. I haven’t been since I was… 19? That was my first adult trip out of the US. I even went and found several pictures from that trip, one of which I will post below. It was part of an alternative spring break at UT Austin, where undergrads donate their spring break to a service trip. Ours was a week in Monterrey. There was maybe 10 of us? We didn’t need passports then. We just loaded up on a bus and off we went. One of my seatmates was a Palestinian American from Houston. He gave us a history of everything since 1948 as we rode through Texas into Mexico. We stayed at a halfway house in a big room with bunk beds that we shared with some children. Most of the people living there were quite sick with a long term illness or had no other family. I remember one of the kids, whose name escapes me, had cancer, but no family. He enjoyed sitting with us outside and even though our Spanish wasn’t great, he liked the company I think. We even took our meals at the halfway house. The money we paid to go was mostly donated to them.

During the week we were there, we volunteered at various places. One day we bagged food for pick up for families. Two days we painted a schoolhouse. One day we deep cleaned a disabled woman’s house up in one of the colonias. And one day we visited the art museum and the mountains. Needless to say, it was a trip that changed my life. As someone with a Virgo and Libra stellium, being of service is literally in my makeup. But more than that, I got to be around people who cared about other people — strangers. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my young adulthood, and left an imprint on me. As an unofficially undiagnosed autistic person, I realize my sense of justice is quite strong. But the material act of finding ways to support others and learning about the systems that create violence added more fuel to the anger I had always felt inside of me.

Now 25 years later, I get to return to the place where much of that sense of service was formed, where I learned I could travel on my own, make new friends, be in uncomfortable situations, show solidarity through action, make my own decisions , be in collective, and listening and understanding that humility is a much more powerful quality than exceptionalism. It feels like an appropriate time and place to recalibrate myself, as I will turn 45 in a few days. The Lunar New Year and Ramadan both happen this week, as will the first eclipse of 2026. I woke up the other morning, when Saturn finally went into Aries, feeling as if my entire body was on fire. My 7th house is in Aries — the only one. It is known as the death house. I am not sure what that means, but I am feeling ready to embrace the next part of my journey. The predictions keep telling me if I have learned my lessons from Neptune and Saturn in Pisces, than I am essentially stepping into my divinity and abundance is mine.

I hope I have. I think I have. I don’t mind being known now. If you know me, you already know I have always preferred to observe and remain quietly in the background. I am realizing that is not where my legacy will be made. I found a little sign one day in the Buc cees a few months ago. It said, Don’t be a lady. Be a legend.

I bought it and gave it to my ex lover. I don’t know what she did with it. I don’t know if she thought it was silly. Perhaps one day we will see. I hope so. But that’s her path to walk. Her choices to make. Not mine. I believe both of us are curse breakers in our bloodlines.

Being seen was something my ex partner encouraged me to toward. They understood how much I hated the spotlight, but that I could not longer avoid leadership or recognition. That my inner world had to be offered to the outer one. And even if I am not a lady, I keep that message in the back of my mind. I have to go out into the world and be a part of it, and I should remember what a fearless curious 19 year old kid I was, and channel that energy.